If you have to say it…

I’m not a fan of people trumpeting their own accomplishments or merits just for the sake of reiterating to others how great they are. I just don’t understand it. I’m not sure what motivation prompts such behavior but I can’t personally relate to it. Not to say that it’s “wrong,” I’m just not, as I said, a fan of it.

I don’t complain when a fast food place puts onions on my burger when I ask for none. I scrape them off and go “Oh well, life goes on.”

I can’t wrap my head around the idea of people getting in their cars and driving somewhere to meet other people who all gathered together to celebrate the day of my birth.

If someone offers to alter the menu for a social gathering because of my dietary restrictions, that’s astounding to me!

In other words, I don’t like to be the center of attention. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of it. I’m a piece of shit, after all, right?

That’s why I’ve never understood people who demand life be customized for their comfort. Or why they enjoy accolades and the validation of people telling them how wonderful they are.

But that’s my problem, I guess. I suppose I could stand to demand a little more out of life. It’s just that I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged on this planet. I was a mistake. I wasn’t supposed to be here. Who am I to inconvenience anyone, for any reason?

I’ll do something that people will tell me is brilliant, and I’ll sheepishly shrug it off as nothing. I downplay it. Either I don’t feel like I deserve the praise, or I assume it must be patronization like “Aw, he dressed himself and tied his own shoes, what a smart boy!” Because of course, I suck.

I automatically assume people think I’m a fucking weirdo.

I wouldn’t want to be famous. Respected, maybe, and perhaps moderately famous to a niche group of people, but not Kanye West out-of-touch-with-reality famous. I don’t wanna be Prince.

I could justifiably brag about a lot of things. At times, even here on this page, I’ve awkwardly attempted to do so, playing with the concept of “Why can’t I brag, too?” I usually promptly delete any such claims because upon reflection I feel really gross about it.

There’s gotta be a happy medium, though. There’s gotta be a sweet spot where I can be proud of myself and believe in myself without being obnoxious about it. I doubt it’s psychologically healthy to view myself as an intruder on planet earth, an alien misfit masquerading as a human being.

I take a lot of selfies, to the point that people who know me have taken to calling me names like “the selfie king,” and we all have a good laugh about it, the absurdity of it all. It’s partly me pretending to be a narcissist, because the very idea is ridiculous and fascinating to me, and it’s also me wanting to learn to view myself the way I’d like others to view me. The human psyche is complicated like that.

So braggers, keep on bragging. I don’t get it, but it must do something for you. Carry on. 😆

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